@sonictyrant

Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?

@sonictyrant

Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back

Mojo: still no

@sonictyrant

Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?

Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s

Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont

@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@sonictyrant

“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”

*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*

@sonictyrant

Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh

Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll

Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having

@sonictyrant

Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy