Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Friday
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
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