A spider is just a hairy raisin with legs
Me: i need some decoration for this cake
Store clerk: Icing?
Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?
Me: [totally dry monotone voice] I’m gonna get my mojo back
Mojo: still no
Me: can i get that last tub of frozen cow juice ?
Sales assistant: oh ha ha, thats ben and jerry’s
Me: *Leans in and slides a 50 over the counter* i wont tell em if you dont
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
“Now that i’ve completed my teleportation device, the world and its wonders are mine to behold”
*Teleports to the nearest taco bell*
Me: waiter, this crab is way too fresh
Crab *to my wife* damn girl I’d like to dip you in butter and put you on a roll
Woman at the next table: i’ll have what she’s having
Me: I love star wars movies
Friend: What’s your favourite line?
Me: Probably “aaaaarggh…Luke ya scurvy dog, I am yer fartha”
Friend: Sounds like a pirate copy