Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs