therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?