My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks