*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
You Might Also Like
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Only a mother’s love …
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.