Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”