Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute