This will teach them to underestimate me
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I need better friends
