“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this