Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”