You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
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My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Time heals everything 🙂
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.