“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”
Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”