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I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?