Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.