gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee