I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground