Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
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Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Cardio Made Easy
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.