😆this is so true
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
this is the best interaction on twitter
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?