I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
There are no pants in heaven.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.