I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
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I think I’m having a stroke
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Happy thanksgiving!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being