[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
#parenting