My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.