*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.