[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.