Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.