You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself