If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
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Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
Google assistant rules
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”