never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
You Might Also Like
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.