ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.