[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.