Okey dokey.
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WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
just got my engagement photos
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.