Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
You Might Also Like
How wrong was this guy?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Cat.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Oh yeh? Explain this then