Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
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Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Nigella has gone too far this time.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Wait a minute
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”