inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
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Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.