Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan