[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar