[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like