Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.