Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.