If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
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“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.