Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
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I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan