*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I am a gravy boat captain
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich