Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?
Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.