Funny Tweeter

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Page of stephenjmolloy's best tweets

@stephenjmolloy : Doctor: "You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet."
Kim: "I'm pregnant?!"
Doc: "No-"
*a tiny monkey walks in*
"This is my nurse."

@stephenjmolloy: Film producer: You're a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You have acute appendicitis."

Me: *blushing* "Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients."

@stephenjmolloy: Boss to staff: "What incentives would make you work harder?"

Staff member: "Bonus!"

Boss: "I'm not boning any of you."

@stephenjmolloy: Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

@stephenjmolloy: Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@stephenjmolloy: Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

@stephenjmolloy: Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who's up there?

@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die