@stephenjmolloy: Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "You have acute appendicitis."
Me: *blushing* "Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients."
@stephenjmolloy: Boss to staff: "What incentives would make you work harder?"
Staff member: "Bonus!"
Boss: "I'm not boning any of you."
@stephenjmolloy: Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
@stephenjmolloy: Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
@stephenjmolloy: Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who's up there?
@stephenjmolloy: Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die