@stephenjmolloy

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

@stephenjmolloy

Me: *waking up* Was the surgery a success?

Morgue attendant: *startled* Evidently it was.

@stephenjmolloy

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

@stephenjmolloy

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

@stephenjmolloy

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.