Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day