Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
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#DesignFail
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
A man of commitment.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”