Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.