@steveolivas

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

@steveolivas

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

@steveolivas

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

@steveolivas

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

@steveolivas

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

@steveolivas

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

@steveolivas

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

@steveolivas

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.