Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.