hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
The human personality is made of five key elements
*pronounces surface like Versace*
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*