Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
This anagram machine is out of order.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds