I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…


20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.


Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth


Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!


Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?



Her: Can I have my money back please?!


Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler


My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.