I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”